Untangling the Emotional Entanglements
I have no vendetta against genuinely happy couples, in fact I admire them, I am happy for them and I want my children to be surrounded by happily healthy families so that they grow up appreciating family values and also knowing that true love does exist.
God blessed me with an amazing spouse, whom I am on a committed and unconditional love journey with. We have weathered so many storms together that have left our union even stronger than before. It is in the healing lessons from our own marriage over the decade plus that I am able to approach the couples that I have the privilege of working with with humility, non- judgement and a desire to hear and learn from their stories with empathy.
It is human nature to judge too quickly without having all the details of a story. We often tend to see behaviours as either bad or good without seeking to understand the underlying experiences. Before my life lessons, if I heard a scandalous story about others, I used to believe what I heard and sometimes I would even formulate a judgement. Now that I know better, I don’t formulate any clinical impressions or conclusions until I have heard both sides of the story and keeping in mind that there is no one absolute truth.
I have come to learn and understand that many people are unaware of their unhealed past trauma that they carry, hence they unconsciously repeat survival tactics/ cycles that they haven’t repaired or healed from. So next time you hear any dramatic stories about others, be curious about learning more about their past experiences underneath the presenting behaviours and I can guarantee that in almost 99% of the time, there is always a buried traumatic experience that needs unpacking and healing.
People don’t go around with badges that say “my uncle sexually abused me when I was young or my father fondled me, or my past husband abused me, etc, “ but they rather develop survival mechanisms that allow them to continue living a hopeful life with the ultimate goal of forgetting about the painful pasts. It’s important to remember that every traumatic experience or loss needs to be individually acknowledged and continuous healing otherwise it will show up later in life packaged as poor life choices and mistakes.
If the 44 year Jada Pinkett Smith was a happy and mentally healthy woman then, it stands to reason that she would have been more likely to see, treat and value the 22 year old August as his son, considering that it is speculated that her son introduced them to each other. The interest to help him heal from his own mental health struggles seems to have stemmed from her own unhealed trauma, because we often gravitate towards what is familiar even though the familiar may be toxic. When two wounded souls try to heal each other, you can almost always predict that the outcome of that endeavour will be disastrous, which possibly explains the development of the sexual attraction between the supposed helper and the seeker of help in the Jada-Will- August’ s so- called entanglement.
As the social media morality police, detectives and judges are digging further into Jada’s past, vilifying her character and labeling her harshly, perhaps we should be more concerned about what she has been through instead of focusing on what she did. Will seems to have radically accepted the ordeal although the healing process will be a continuous process. If you are trying to heal from last trauma, I hope you find a safe and non-judgemental space that can honour your lived experience and foster some healing for you as you confront and unmask the deepest cuts and scars of your soul.
With that said,we should not judge vulnerability and/or authenticity as it often signals unhealed trauma.Personally, I would rather see ugly truths than fake happiness, but that is not to say that all couples who appear happy are not genuinely happy. It simply means NOT ALL those who look happy are always as happy as they appear or project and that is often rooted on the subliminal culture of perfectionism that is fuelled all over different social media platforms. If you are happy and a healthy couple, good for you! It takes a lot of hard work, forgiveness, discipline, grace and great communication amongst other traits to build happy and healthy relationships! We have to work together to build healthy environments and healthy communities because it does take a village
Written By Shayla S Dube, MSW,RSW
Mental Health Therapist
Owner of Wellness Empowered @https://wellnessempowered.com